It’s been awhile, aye!

So it’s probably time for me to have a whine about how life sucks.. Well, it does.

Ya know, over the last couple of years, I’ve learnt a lot of new stuff regarding mental health. I’m no expert, but I know enough to kind of understand what’s going on in my head.. So, in theory, I should be able to fix it, right? That’s how I see it anyway. But I don’t seem to have progressed far past where I was just a few years ago. I still have a fear of going into the public, I hear people laugh and wonder if they’re laughing at me, no reason given, it’s just a paranoia. Do I dress funny? Is my nose really that big? my hair’s not right? Am I really that skinny and scrawny? Do they know my past?? That bullshit is constantly going through my head when I’m out in public. I know it’s in my head, because the chances of “them” knowing me are 1000 to 1. And, even if they did know me from my past, do they even know what I went through? Probably not… So, how do I change that in myself?….  I feel like a scratched record, just going over and over the same line, again and again…

I can talk myself up and tell myself I’m better than I think I am, even others say I don’t see myself as others do, but it all goes to shit once I’m out and about in the public sector. It’s just so much easier to stay home. They say some people can fake a smile, pretend to be happy around others and it’s true, people can. Even I, have done this for many years now, but in saying that it does become a drain mentally after awhile, in short bursts, sure I can have a 10 min chat with someone and they would have no idea of the shit life I lead, but having to put on that act frequently becomes a big drain on your soul. You end up exhausted more from our “happy dance” than the situation itself.. Did that make sense? Someone will understand.. It’s just so draining in the end and you become emotionally tired and start shutting down and closing up again.. well, this is how it is for me. So I tend to spend a lot of time at home. It’s just safer..

Or, is it?

To be continued…

Well, I finally got my Bone Density Scan done today.

I did a little research to figure out the results on the charts below, I found figures, averages and not a whole lot of detail.

It doesn’t look good, but then I couldn’t make much sense if it past the point of it saying I have bones of a 79yo.  I’m only 43. My Doc mentioned osteoporosis a couple of visits ago due to having a number of broken bones in the past. I just put it down to being an adventurous kid. I don’t see my doctor for another week, so I’ll just have to wait written results I guess.

The results are as follows. Let me know if you know anything about it please.

Cheers, Dazz.Bone Density Scan EPSON MFP image

 

So I chased her….

Right at the last-minute, I jumped in my car and tried to find her before she left for ever… As I arrived at the train station the train was just leaving, I thought she’d had gone…  gone forever…  As I drove away, I saw her turn the corner, she missed the train as well.

How could I let her go so easily, I couldn’t. My heart simply won’t let me and my mind, well, that’s a mush at the best of times, but not enough to know I can’t let this one go. Call it fate, call it love but, I think it’s meant to be. I mean who else would put up with my silly ways. It must be love. I know it is on my end, that’s for sure.

Now to get over those insecurities, on both sides.

 

Cheers, Dazz.