Lusty Luring lustrous Lingering Longingly Lovable Love

meant to be

Missing You. xx

Arrrgh. I went to bed last night, convinced I’ve finally taken the step and got the courage to progress forward past this breakup, determined I’m going to come out of all this emotional turmoil a better man. But, yet I wake up and the first thing on my mind, is the same thing as I went to sleep.. My Ex..

You shit me Cindi. You’ve touched me so deeply I can’t seem to get you out of my heart. My head says we’ve done what we needed, my heart says I’ll never find a “complete” love like that again. But the thing is it wasn’t complete as in we had it all, well, it was, and we did, it was just broken from our own insecurities. Bad experiences of past brought into future relationships is bad news for anyone trying to make a life together,

We just seem to fuel each others insecurities by saying things we don’t really mean. Moving on for eg. Meeting someone new, falling out of love. Are we just trying to fool ourselves or each other. I really don’t know, but I do know if we really want to make things work again we both need to grow the fuck up.. I know my love is true, I know she’s the first thing I think of going to sleep and waking up in the mornings. I know my body longs for her touch, my heart yearns for hers to beat against mine once again in those warm long heartfelt embraces we shared so often. I believe I do truly love her with all of me entirely.

But then there’s the broken side, the no trust, the mind games, the insecurity. How can a couple get passed such things when it seems to be the way our lives have been lead in the past. Is it possible for two people to be that broken from past experiences betrayal, they can’t see what’s really there right in front of them…? .. I wish I had the answers. I can see it, we can see it, why can’t we just grasp it!.

I know I’m still in love with my ex, I miss her physically, but not to the point of wanting her back, I miss her company, but again, things were that bad towards the end, I could probably manage without that too. But, the feelings, the emotions, the love that we shared when things were good, were magical. I don’t just mean all lovey dove stuff, I mean there was a real spiritual connection through our souls. We didn’t need words to express our love, it was all done with sight and touch. We really connected on a deep level. That is what I miss. Her soul, the passion in her eyes when she looked into mine. The feeling of two people connecting as one. I’ve never had that deep experience before and to be truly honest, I don’t think I’ll ever find that kind of inner connection again. It was something truly unique for me and something I so want to fight for… But we’re stuck in a rut. I’ve been asked to move up there to where she’s now living, but then I have so many commitments here in Melbourne with getting myself healthy again and that’s 800kms away. I have just started seeing my psychologist again after a 6 month break, I’ve started going to the gym to help strengthen my bones and body, I’m currently getting treatment for a liver disease, not to mention a few other personal health issues that I need to overcome. Including my Osteoporosis.  She also stated she can not come back to Melbourne due to health issues and stress caused from being here. I admit, the situation here wasn’t good for anyone, but now that we can acknowledge the issues, I can’t see why we can’t work on them together here and then move when I’m healthy enough. I don’t think that’s too unfair to ask.

I’m just looking for answers I guess. I’m lost in this big wide world. I thought I met my forever after, I truly felt that way. I know the love is there on both sides, we just need to believe in each other. It’s really that simple.

I know for fact, if my ex felt about me the way I do about her, we could make this a magical thing once again. I do believe she is my one and only true love. It was the only time in my life I felt complete, totally at ease with who I am in her presence and more so she completed my heart and soul. I love you Cindi, even when…

You shit me. Why do we have to be so friggin broken. 🙁

she was beautiful

Dazz.

Cutting All Ties – Ha

There has to come a time when we need to cut all ties from a broken relationship. There is often (but, not always) hostility, accusations and a lot of hurt that follows the immediate breakup. Toss that in with talk of reconciliation and only more heart-break arises as the emotions tumble from why you love each other to why you actually separated. Even more so when it involves two insecure people to start with….. Why do we do this to ourselves?. If the relationship has come to an end, then it’s quite clear it was faulty at least in some areas that couldn’t be fixed.  But those deeper feelings often won’t let us see that straight away. We focus more on the immediate changes in our lives, the loss, the denial and that we are now alone. They in themselves are quite devastating even for the strongest of personalities.

So when do you know the end is, in-fact the end? I don’t know myself. I’ve tried to say goodbye for over a month now, but something just keeps luring me back, but nothing is ever accomplished and ends up back to square one, just angry and heartbroken.. There needs to be a point where you just have to stop for your own health and wellbeing. For your own sanity even. I have a lot of trouble sleeping after talking to my ex partner, I’m often stressed and my mind runs at 100 miles an hour for hours after. It’s just so frustrating not being able to simply let go, it’s been 2 months now.. Is there a magic remedy for stupidity? lol. I really need a good dose of it please. Anyone? 🙂

Anyway, gonna try to get some sleep again or at very least bang my head against the brick wall just across the room…….  G’night all..

bang head

Dazz.

Ps: Shit I can mumble when I’m half asleep. Did you make any sense out of that at all? lol.. Well, welcome to my life .. ha.

Baby I’ve been watching you..

Slipping away from me.

Baby i’ve been watching you
Watching everything you do
And i just can’t help the feeling
Someone else’s stealing you away from me
I see it written in your eyes
You conform it with your lies
Though the way that you weep can hold me
I would rather that you told me
Where you wanna be

Oooh slipping away from me
Oooh slipping away from me
And it’s breaking me in two
Watching you slipping away

Baby i’ve been watching you
Watching everything you do
And i just can’t help the feeling
Someone else’s stealing you away from me
I see it written in your eyes
You conform it with your lies
Though the way that you weep can hold me
I would rather that you told me
Where you wanna be

Oooh slipping away from me
Oooh slipping away from me
And it’s breaking me in two
Watching you slipping away


And it’s breaking me in two
Watching you slipping away


And it’s breaking me in two
Watching you slipping away

Baby i’ve been watching you
Watching everything you do
And i just can’t help the feeling
Someone else’s stealing you away from me
I see it written in your eyes
You conform it with your lies
Though the way that you weep can hold me
I would rather that you told me
Where you wanna be

Oooh slipping away from me
Oooh slipping away from me
And it’s breaking me in two
Watching you slipping away


And it’s breaking me in two
Watching you slipping away


And it’s breaking me in two
Watching you slipping away


And it’s breaking me in two
Watching you slipping away


Not Such A Good Day

Today’s been a horrible day for me, I’m not too sure why I just feel really low and depressed, more so than normal.. I know I’ve been through a lot lately with emotions flowing from one end of the scale to the other and back again, which would be contributing to it.

I hate these low days, they just seem to drag on and on with no energy or spark. I just want to curl up into a ball and forget about the world.

But, I know tomorrow is new day and I’ll possibly feel better, so please Mr. Sandman, bring it on already…

broken-heart-for-sale

 

On A More Positive Note: BeyondBlue – Blue Voice.

I joined up to BeyondBlue quite awhile ago now, but more recently signed up for the BeyondBlue Blue Voices and got accepted. I guess there’s a positive in some of my downfalls in life. I can share my experiences, my ups and downs and my triumphs in hopes to help someone going through similar situations. If there’s hope for me, there’s hope for everyone. 🙂

I received a package in the mail a couple of days ago, totally unexpected, with lots of info, brochures, a magnet and this really cool “BeyondBlue” wrist band.. I was wrapped. 🙂

beyondblue blue voices

Better Things To Come.

Forever searching for the answers to life is one of man’s most favored pastimes. Why are we really here?.. What is the purpose of it all? We see others plodding along quite nicely without a care, but I can guarantee they’re pondering the same thing as everyone else. Why are we really here and where are we going…..

I guess it will all be revealed in the end or it will all be just a bitter disappointment. We can only have faith in the hope of better things to come. Don’t ever give up on your dreams.

dont give up

What is Love

What is love, is love really forver?

I’ve felt “love” many times through out life, some loves I thought were “the one”, others I guess were just passing phases. But what is real love? Love is meant to be a happy feeling, yet love often hurts, Love is meant to be something enjoyed, yet it can often lead to heartache. So why do we seek it when it has so many emotional risks. It’s because we are human, we crave for affection, we need to feel wanted. To belong. To connect with our soul.

real love