Arrrgh. I went to bed last night, convinced I’ve finally taken the step and got the courage to progress forward past this breakup, determined I’m going to come out of all this emotional turmoil a better man. But, yet I wake up and the first thing on my mind, is the same thing as I went to sleep.. My Ex..
You shit me Cindi. You’ve touched me so deeply I can’t seem to get you out of my heart. My head says we’ve done what we needed, my heart says I’ll never find a “complete” love like that again. But the thing is it wasn’t complete as in we had it all, well, it was, and we did, it was just broken from our own insecurities. Bad experiences of past brought into future relationships is bad news for anyone trying to make a life together,
We just seem to fuel each others insecurities by saying things we don’t really mean. Moving on for eg. Meeting someone new, falling out of love. Are we just trying to fool ourselves or each other. I really don’t know, but I do know if we really want to make things work again we both need to grow the fuck up.. I know my love is true, I know she’s the first thing I think of going to sleep and waking up in the mornings. I know my body longs for her touch, my heart yearns for hers to beat against mine once again in those warm long heartfelt embraces we shared so often. I believe I do truly love her with all of me entirely.
But then there’s the broken side, the no trust, the mind games, the insecurity. How can a couple get passed such things when it seems to be the way our lives have been lead in the past. Is it possible for two people to be that broken from past experiences betrayal, they can’t see what’s really there right in front of them…? .. I wish I had the answers. I can see it, we can see it, why can’t we just grasp it!.
I know I’m still in love with my ex, I miss her physically, but not to the point of wanting her back, I miss her company, but again, things were that bad towards the end, I could probably manage without that too. But, the feelings, the emotions, the love that we shared when things were good, were magical. I don’t just mean all lovey dove stuff, I mean there was a real spiritual connection through our souls. We didn’t need words to express our love, it was all done with sight and touch. We really connected on a deep level. That is what I miss. Her soul, the passion in her eyes when she looked into mine. The feeling of two people connecting as one. I’ve never had that deep experience before and to be truly honest, I don’t think I’ll ever find that kind of inner connection again. It was something truly unique for me and something I so want to fight for… But we’re stuck in a rut. I’ve been asked to move up there to where she’s now living, but then I have so many commitments here in Melbourne with getting myself healthy again and that’s 800kms away. I have just started seeing my psychologist again after a 6 month break, I’ve started going to the gym to help strengthen my bones and body, I’m currently getting treatment for a liver disease, not to mention a few other personal health issues that I need to overcome. Including my Osteoporosis. She also stated she can not come back to Melbourne due to health issues and stress caused from being here. I admit, the situation here wasn’t good for anyone, but now that we can acknowledge the issues, I can’t see why we can’t work on them together here and then move when I’m healthy enough. I don’t think that’s too unfair to ask.
I’m just looking for answers I guess. I’m lost in this big wide world. I thought I met my forever after, I truly felt that way. I know the love is there on both sides, we just need to believe in each other. It’s really that simple.
I know for fact, if my ex felt about me the way I do about her, we could make this a magical thing once again. I do believe she is my one and only true love. It was the only time in my life I felt complete, totally at ease with who I am in her presence and more so she completed my heart and soul. I love you Cindi, even when…
You shit me. Why do we have to be so friggin broken. 🙁