It’s been awhile, aye!

So it’s probably time for me to have a whine about how life sucks.. Well, it does.

Ya know, over the last couple of years, I’ve learnt a lot of new stuff regarding mental health. I’m no expert, but I know enough to kind of understand what’s going on in my head.. So, in theory, I should be able to fix it, right? That’s how I see it anyway. But I don’t seem to have progressed far past where I was just a few years ago. I still have a fear of going into the public, I hear people laugh and wonder if they’re laughing at me, no reason given, it’s just a paranoia. Do I dress funny? Is my nose really that big? my hair’s not right? Am I really that skinny and scrawny? Do they know my past?? That bullshit is constantly going through my head when I’m out in public. I know it’s in my head, because the chances of “them” knowing me are 1000 to 1. And, even if they did know me from my past, do they even know what I went through? Probably not… So, how do I change that in myself?….  I feel like a scratched record, just going over and over the same line, again and again…

I can talk myself up and tell myself I’m better than I think I am, even others say I don’t see myself as others do, but it all goes to shit once I’m out and about in the public sector. It’s just so much easier to stay home. They say some people can fake a smile, pretend to be happy around others and it’s true, people can. Even I, have done this for many years now, but in saying that it does become a drain mentally after awhile, in short bursts, sure I can have a 10 min chat with someone and they would have no idea of the shit life I lead, but having to put on that act frequently becomes a big drain on your soul. You end up exhausted more from our “happy dance” than the situation itself.. Did that make sense? Someone will understand.. It’s just so draining in the end and you become emotionally tired and start shutting down and closing up again.. well, this is how it is for me. So I tend to spend a lot of time at home. It’s just safer..

Or, is it?

To be continued…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *